?

Log in

No account? Create an account
 

Shadow Realms at Play

About Recent Entries

New and Unusual Perspective Oct. 22nd, 2004 @ 08:43 am
blackthornglade
So, the other night I was playing a game or something and Morgan wanders by. I stop for a snuggle and we natter at each other for a bit...and then the question comes up.

No, not *THAT* question.

He said that at some point he wanted to try co-training a sub and asked what I thought about that. I made "ok" noises and we snuggled some more and then meandered off to do our individual things.

It dawned on me, sometime between then and now, that I've never really run an ad for a couple seeking, even when I was paired up. We've got some issues to work out, too...like the fact that he's straight and I'm mostly straight. I will cop to being interested in women, but those that I would actually consider are vanishingly small. I can think of two, neither of whom are possibilities. Obviously, this isn't an insurmountable task, since we could decide two subs are necessary and carry on from there.

The thing that...concerns?...me is this: how does one *AVOID* coming off as one of those "couple seeking hot-bi-babe as live in housekeeper/maid" type couples that are searching for partners?
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

PSA: Posting to awhipskiss Oct. 21st, 2004 @ 09:24 am
blackthornglade
Just a periodic reminder:

If you post to the community, please remember to friends lock anything you don't wish others to see. We do have some people watching the community but who are not members with posting access. If you want to keep it from being bandied about LJ due to grudges, remember to lock your posts.

moonlight
Current Mood: awake

Images of Submission XIV: Desire Sep. 21st, 2004 @ 08:03 am
blackthornglade
Deep inside there exists a tiny coal, glowing softly, a banked ember waiting for someone to breathe life into it. You walk by and nip at just the right spot in that unique way and it glows more brightly. Desire is born again, taking flight in an ever-increasing flame until it threatens to consume everything in its path. Soon there is nothing in this world but need, desire, passion. The waves of molten heat crash over and around, working desire into a fever pitch until there is only you, only me, and then neither of us, but some new being. Individuals melded into one being for a time, until the catalyst of fire starts to ebb back down to a softly glowing ember once more.
Current Mood: creative

Friendly reminder Sep. 17th, 2004 @ 08:09 am
blackthornglade
If you do not wish people who are *NOT* on the community with posting access to be able to read your entry, please remember to friends lock your posts. We do have several people reading the community that have not actually gotten access to post, and one person has been removed from the community but still reads it.

moonlight

Images of Submission XIII: Challenge Jul. 21st, 2004 @ 10:39 am
blackthornglade
I am wild. I am free. I am glory and I am power. Will you enjoy that I am a challenge or will you try to break me and have your own way? Others before you have tried. Others before you have failed. In the end, I cannot be broken to saddle so easily. But a softly whispered word, a touch here or there at the right place and time…those will bring me to you far faster than any challenge to who I am ever will. I am the lightning strike and the whirlwind, fierce and wild. I will test boundaries. I will find my limits and yours. And, in the end, I will challenge myself to accept your will over mine.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission XII: Courage Jul. 21st, 2004 @ 10:38 am
blackthornglade
The demons rise out of the Shadow, taunting, degrading, trying to turn me from where I want to go. Not good enough, not pretty enough, just not enough. Yet, still I put one foot in front of the other, sometimes with pushing and prodding from others to keep going, but always moving forward. The courage to face the Shadow, to tell it to go away and stop harassing me. Accepting the Shadow as a part of me that will always exist and acknowledging the strength that keeps me from running. To be different, to believe you can do what you want and society be damned takes courage. It takes drive and determination. And it takes confronting accepted limits and boundaries, transgressing them in one great act of defiance.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission XI: Power Jul. 21st, 2004 @ 10:37 am
blackthornglade
Could you crush me with a look? A word? Send my world into a headlong spin? The power to control my world, the power to curb me when I am difficult, the power to spur me on when I fall behind. Can you do that without lifting a hand to me? Without striking me? Can you bend my will around to yours by making me want what you desire? There is where power lies. Not in force, not in pain, but in making me crave what you want. In making me change without breaking me. In allowing me to grow while guiding that growth in the direction you choose.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission X: The Dance Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 11:14 am
blackthornglade
A swing here, an arch there. The sudden crack of a blacksnake punctuated by the yelping scream of the target. Action. Reaction. Point. Counterpoint. Each step we take between us causes a ripple of reaction from us both until our movements, our actions, our energy flows like one being united in a dance. A pleading look from me, the soft rake of your hand through my hair. The sudden squeeze of your hand, my release to fly where you lead. Action. Reaction. Point. Counterpoint. Until there is nothing but the Dance.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission IX: Control Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 11:13 am
blackthornglade
Control is an illusion. It’s a battle of energy and of wills where someone wins and someone loses. In losing, though, comes the freedom to slip out of the controls that daily life places on us to try to restrain who we are and force us into nice little automatons and consumers. Real control, when it’s wielded, prevents the thought from even slipping out from under it from occurring. A single word can come crashing down and bring an abrupt halt and compliance in the required direction…that is control. I give up the right to control in exchange for the freedom of being controlled, directed, pampered, and alive. I brush up against the boundaries that you’ve set, pressing lightly against your will and your desires to see if they can contain me and am content when I find that they do.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission VIII: Love Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 11:12 am
blackthornglade
Can there be a greater expression of love than to offer oneself up to the desires and whims of another person, knowing that they intend to hurt you? Or to take what is offered and playing that person like the delicate instrument that they are, bringing them to the brink of madness and ecstasy? Love is giving of oneself to fulfill the needs of one’s partners.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission VII: Transformation Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 11:12 am
blackthornglade
We are always becoming. Change and evolution stalks each step that we take, each new partner we interact with. We learn, we grow, we transform from the timid, quaking neophyte starting to embrace the inner shadow that sets them apart, makes them unique to the bold, brash person that has wound their way through the thorns and uncertainty to emerge on the other side in control of who they are and what they want. We learn to bend, to flex, to wrap ourselves around the idea that we can be who WE choose to be rather than what society tells us to be. If we choose to submit, we submit. If we choose to dominate, we do that too. We are always becoming, until the day we die.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission VI: Dark Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 11:11 am
blackthornglade
Out of the night, we come, out of the dark. From the shadowed doorways and recesses to play and scream under the moon. The shadows we live in reflect the shadows inside, the spots where we deviate from the people around us, the places where we transgress the rules. From those shadows come the desires to control or be controlled in a world that demands we be individuals in charge of ourselves. From those shadows comes the desire to hurt others and make them scream in a blend of pain and pleasure or the desire to be hurt until the pain drives us into another place, another time, where there is only feeling and where we cannot be numb. Decadence. Debauchery. Decay. The womb and tomb of our lives exists in the shadows and in the dark where we play.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission V: Dangerous Jul. 6th, 2004 @ 11:11 am
blackthornglade
Take me to the very edge of the cliff and let me look over. Keep me safe in your grasp but make me believe you’ll push me over. Can I trust you? I think I can. But there’s always that little niggling question that you like to foster. Will there be a next time? Or will this be the last time? Play with my brain and make me believe. Bring me out on the other side, safe, but make me doubt just a bit when you twist me around to your will. Sadist. Cruel. Dominating.
Current Mood: creative

A new way of looking at d/s relationships Jun. 30th, 2004 @ 02:00 pm
blackthornglade
Squipped with permission from rmjwell

A new way of looking at d/s relationships (courtesy of Teramis)

I went to a presentation tonight titled "Getting the D/s relationship you want" but could've more likely been called "A sociological examination of power dynamics in intimate sexual relationships." Either way, it was a exceptionally good presentation, not that I would expect any less from Teramis.

She ended her presentation with the phrase "equity does not require equality," and I think that is a good place to start. Negotiated, consensual d/s relationships --of whatever duration-- are not based on each partner behaving equally, but each partner behaving fairly towards the other(s). The degree to which that inequal behavior permeates the relationship is a good measuring stick to classify the type of d/s relationship the partnership has.

At the rarest extreme is what might be called Owner-Property Relationships (OPR). In an OPR it is not necessary for one party to control all aspects of the other's behavior at all times, merely that that option exists and should it be exercised it would not alter the relationship power dynamic. Other, more historically loaded terms for this sort of relationship is Master/slave, Total Power Exchange, or consensual slavery.

Less rare are what might be called Very Controlling D/S (VCDS) relationships. In these relationships, the superior partner has the option to control many aspects of the inferior partner's life but still some things remain out of bounds --choice of job, child-rearing, political affiliation to name a few examples. While VCDS relationships provides equitable returns for both partners, the power dynamic within the relationship is asymetrical along many lines. Both partners refer less to themselves "doing D/S" but rather use the language that "they are in a D/S relationship."

Moving towards a greater allignment of equity and equality are Fluid D/S (FDS) relationships. In FDS relationships switching of roles between partners may occur and it is not unlikely that either or both parties will vacilate in their language about whether they are "doing D/S" or "in a D/S relationship." It is less likely that one partner is the de facto superior partner when it comes to decision-making.

Ultimately, the point where equity and equality are almost indistinguishable are Scene-Delimited D/S (SDDS) relationships. These are relationships where erotic role play is a spice to the interaction rather than a core ingredient. People in SDDS relationships engage in negotiation and renegotiation for every scene. It is in these relationships where one will most often hear the phrase "we do D/S" as in "we do D/S on the weekends when we role-play master and servant." It is important that both parties are satisfied on a transaction-by-transaction level.

One key to having an enjoyable D/S relationship, looking at these models, is that the partners match up not only in their fetish interests, but that they compliment each other on their desire to impose control or structure and their lattitude for self-determination. A dominant who desires to micro-manage her submissive would be poorly matched with someone who desires or requires a high degree of self-determination. Contrariwise, a submissive who yearns for her choices to be limited and her behavior guided and molded inch by inch would likely feel lost and abandoned by a dominant who delegated tasks and with only a deadline as her guide.

Teramis introduced two concepts that I think are very useful: Regemence and Electence. She deliberately coined terms that did not previously exist to avoid much of the history and vagueness that other terms --such as Master, slave, dominant, and submissive-- carry with them. Regemence is the desire to for control; in the case of the dominant it is the requirement to exert control and structure in and around your life so as to feel contentment. Different people --different dominants-- require differing levels of regemence in their lives. The compliment to Regemence, Electence, is the degree to which one requires control over the choices in their own lives. Some people must decide every little detai, others are happy to comply with another's wishes, and yet more are in-between.

For a D/S relationship to succeed in the long term, the partners should have compatible desires for regemence and electence; if they do not, stress will likely ensue and the relationship will be strained, possibly to the point of breaking.

Additionally, I believe that it is important that partners be compatible in their desires for regemence and electence at several differing levels. The relationship level or who decides and how is it decided whether the relationship continues and in what form? The goal level is where specific outcomes are decided. Finally, there is the process level where how goals are realized is the key consideration. A submissive partner who agrees with the dominant partner on who controls the exit from the relationship and how the goals of the relationship are determined, may have a problem if zie prefers a great degree of autonomy in carrying out a task (so long as it is accomplished) and a dominant who wishes to micro-manage each step of the task.


So, I think I learned something new tonight. Thanks again to Teramis!
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative

The Fear Inside Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 06:22 pm
blackthornglade
I recently made a comment to several people about often being scared of the men that I was attracted to. This received a fair amount of puzzlement from them and we proceeded to try to tease out the whys of that. Why was I scared of them?

Hmm. Easier to start somewhere else and work backwards...

Why am I attracted to certain types of men? (Maybe this direction isn't easier after all...) The men that I am attracted to share certain traits and temperaments. First, they are dominant in some aspect of their lives. Or, at the least, usually in relation to me. (Switches count....even some submissive men...go figure.) Sexually, I am submissive. I may like to dom outside of the bedroom (and sometimes within it), but at some point with the right partner, my brain will click over and I'm gone.

I process fear and pain through that sexual submission. This is why I don't often bottom to women. (At all?) There's no sexual attraction for me to run the pain and fear down to the submissive part of my brain so that I can process it and go through to the other side.

I am, I will admit, an adrenaline junkie. I enjoy the rush. But I am disinclined to do things like skydiving or bungee jumping to get the high. Too dangerous. Instead, I get that rush by finding men that can drive the fear and pain through me like a blade to the gut. I want to have my brain twisted inside and out, torn down, exposed and played with until I'm so far gone that I can't think. And it takes a particular type of man to do that. One that I trust *AND* one that can scare me while keeping the trust in place that he'll push me back out the other side in some semblance of a whole person again.

So. The problem?

I'm rather bad at picking the men that can do it.

I will admit to being responsible for the bad mistakes that I've had happen in the past. They were my choices. Mine alone. But they've also made me rather gunshy on picking out new partners that can do this. *THAT* is where the fear is. Not that they can scare me...but that they can take me to that point and, if I've chosen badly, leave me there and laugh at my stupidity in trusting them. Laugh at me and reject me as being pathetic for having thought that they could ever be interested in someone like me.

I know that, somewhere, there's a way around this. But I'll be damned if I can find it. It's somewhat compounded by the fact that I generally don't play this way outside of a long term relationship because of the way I'm wired. To get that deep into my brain, you have to stick around a while after it.

It's interesting to see where are fears *really* are and how they get expressed.

Now I just have to figure out where to find the men that fit the bill.....I know you're out there somewhere.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

Adrift on a Sea of Moonlight Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 06:20 pm
blackthornglade
Written 9/16/2003

One more for the stream of consciousness file from your internet exhibitionist. Coming here and talking about the trials and tribulations of being kinked seems like second nature now. I process emotions and feelings through writing about them. It's a way for me to untangle then and then own them. Though the audience has undoubtedly changed over the years and the tone of the group has fluttered from here to there, it's still home. A place to talk, to laugh, to fight, and yes...even to core dump when needed.

Friday will be the three week mark since I asked Tiger to release me from his ownership. Three very long weeks of floating through a morass of emotions that I'd been ignoring. First came anger and resentment from his having moved away a year ago leaving me in a city where I knew no one and had no support, no safety net. Logically, I know the decision he made was right for him and the rest of the family. But logic often has very little to do with emotions. I wouldn't admit to either of these for a long time, masking them with resignation and depression. The problem with that is that eventually anger and resentment start eating away at you no matter how much you try to ignore them.

When stress started affecting me, I chalked it up to the work schedule I had. Everyone knows that software releases are stressful, particularly when you're releasing to branch offices that you can only support via phone/internet. And, as with most software projects, we are behind schedule by several months. The slow release schedule has shrunk down to the point we do one office a week. That's enough to give *anyone* problems. Really. It's not that I was ignoring things that needed to be dealt with, it was because of work.

Click for the rest of the saga...Collapse )
Current Mood: sadsad

Images of Submission IV: Sensual Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 06:18 pm
blackthornglade
The small little things that reinforce our positions when out amongst the crowds of people keep that fluttering, sensual eroticism alive until we’re alone. The brush of a thumb along the nape of my neck. Your fingers in my hair, gripping for just a moment before letting go or shaking my head just a little bit. A look from across the table or room that tells me soon I will be under your control and begging you for something. Kissing that spot on my neck where you’ve left me bruised and near bloody in the past from your bites. All of the subtle little reminders create a sensual haze that blurs the boundaries of everyday life and keeps that small frission of submission burning brightly inside.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission III: Pliant Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 06:17 pm
blackthornglade
I want to answer but I can’t. You ask me over and over again what it is that I want, punctuating the question with pain. Pain enough to drive any answer that I was forming out of my head again until you ask the question again. I want you. I need you. And yet even if you weren’t being cruel and enjoying the dilemma I find myself in, I still would not be able to answer. I don’t know what you desire. I know you can see the struggle to find a way out, enjoy the confusion to find the right answer. And I know you enjoy it, enjoy placing me in that spot to watch me twist and struggle. I give myself over to you knowing that you will place me in such a spot for your amusement. Mine is to accept the torment, accept the pain, accept your decision.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission II: Ecstasy Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 06:17 pm
blackthornglade
The thoughts have stilled in her head. The resistance has quieted into acceptance. There is only the ability to feel and experience and respond to her partner as he strokes her, as he caresses her, as he hurts her. There is a union of spirit between the two where she has gone. In that place she weeps for joy, shrieks until pain becomes pleasure and the two cannot be separated, and in that place all is experience and desire.
Current Mood: creative

Images of Submission I: Awe Jun. 28th, 2004 @ 01:53 pm
blackthornglade
Too many days in our lives go by without seeing or feeling something that brings us into a state of awe. We’re forgetting what that feels like. When I am with the right partner, there is a sense of wonder and amazement and gratitude all rolled into one feeling, one spot within me that makes me want to sit and stare like a child looking up at the great, vast field of stars and bask. To be able to sit and watch my partner while he sleeps or rests or goes about his day brings a sense of childlike wonder that he has picked me…perhaps just for the evening or perhaps for longer... to control, to play as his instrument, to join in the subtle dance of dominance and submission.
Current Mood: creative
Top of Page Powered by LiveJournal.com