One more for the stream of consciousness file from your internet exhibitionist. Coming here and talking about the trials and tribulations of being kinked seems like second nature now. I process emotions and feelings through writing about them. It's a way for me to untangle then and then own them. Though the audience has undoubtedly changed over the years and the tone of the group has fluttered from here to there, it's still home. A place to talk, to laugh, to fight, and yes...even to core dump when needed.
Friday will be the three week mark since I asked Tiger to release me from his ownership. Three very long weeks of floating through a morass of emotions that I'd been ignoring. First came anger and resentment from his having moved away a year ago leaving me in a city where I knew no one and had no support, no safety net. Logically, I know the decision he made was right for him and the rest of the family. But logic often has very little to do with emotions. I wouldn't admit to either of these for a long time, masking them with resignation and depression. The problem with that is that eventually anger and resentment start eating away at you no matter how much you try to ignore them.
When stress started affecting me, I chalked it up to the work schedule I had. Everyone knows that software releases are stressful, particularly when you're releasing to branch offices that you can only support via phone/internet. And, as with most software projects, we are behind schedule by several months. The slow release schedule has shrunk down to the point we do one office a week. That's enough to give *anyone* problems. Really. It's not that I was ignoring things that needed to be dealt with, it was because of work.
And it's easy to brush off changes in a person when you haven't seen them for 7 months or so. I've changed, so it's natural that they might have too...right? The subtle hints from friends that something wasn't meshing were just them noticing the changes that we've both gone through. We can manage that.
I can say, honestly, that I tried to make the adjustments that needed to be made in the relationship in order for us to stay together. So, if I was successful in making those adjustments, why did I feel so bad physically? Emotionally? Mentally? Eventually, those little lies that we tell ourselves so that we can keep going start to weigh too much, drag us down, make us feel like we're drowning just below the surface. You can see it, but you just can't quite reach it.
Tiger spent a lot of time trying to help me recover from my divorce. It wasn't messy, but my marriage left me a very different person from the one that started down the BDSM path with Gregory. Tiger helped me find that person again. But even that person apparently couldn't stand the distance.
I've discovered that I have a streak of selfishness inside. And one of self-preservation. There was a time in my life that I would have rather damaged myself than cause another person to be upset or hurt. I was surprised to find that apparently that person no longer exists. Or, she understands that there is a line now past which she won't go in causing harm to herself.
Ok. To *myself*.
There's a part of me that is sorry to have learned that lesson. There's still a part of me that believes a submissive shouldn't be able to do what I did. That a true slave or submissive could never contemplate anything outside of what her owner wants her to do, be, say, or believe. I know that the ideals of slavery found in novels like The Story of O aren't possible. It's fiction. Fantasy. Gor doesn't exist nor does the type of slavery it represents. We can adapt them, yes...but they will never be the complete fantasy. Yet, somewhere in the back of my brain is a voice saying "Yes, there is. You're just not good enough to reach it."
In the end, I am selfish. I need someone close to me to be able to reach out and touch them. To be held by them. That is my failing. I am a creature that can exist alone...but only exist. To thrive I need people. Perhaps not as lovers but at least as friends.
And so I find myself adrift once more. By my own choosing I've come to float on the dark waters of the night sky. It's been a time of letting go of the anger and resentment. A time to let the darkness soothe the mind and the soul. To find that place inside that is calm and solid and forever.