I recently made a comment to several people about often being scared of the men that I was attracted to. This received a fair amount of puzzlement from them and we proceeded to try to tease out the whys of that. Why was I scared of them?
Hmm. Easier to start somewhere else and work backwards...
Why am I attracted to certain types of men? (Maybe this direction isn't easier after all...) The men that I am attracted to share certain traits and temperaments. First, they are dominant in some aspect of their lives. Or, at the least, usually in relation to me. (Switches count....even some submissive men...go figure.) Sexually, I am submissive. I may like to dom outside of the bedroom (and sometimes within it), but at some point with the right partner, my brain will click over and I'm gone.
I process fear and pain through that sexual submission. This is why I don't often bottom to women. (At all?) There's no sexual attraction for me to run the pain and fear down to the submissive part of my brain so that I can process it and go through to the other side.
I am, I will admit, an adrenaline junkie. I enjoy the rush. But I am disinclined to do things like skydiving or bungee jumping to get the high. Too dangerous. Instead, I get that rush by finding men that can drive the fear and pain through me like a blade to the gut. I want to have my brain twisted inside and out, torn down, exposed and played with until I'm so far gone that I can't think. And it takes a particular type of man to do that. One that I trust *AND* one that can scare me while keeping the trust in place that he'll push me back out the other side in some semblance of a whole person again.
So. The problem?
I'm rather bad at picking the men that can do it.
I will admit to being responsible for the bad mistakes that I've had happen in the past. They were my choices. Mine alone. But they've also made me rather gunshy on picking out new partners that can do this. *THAT* is where the fear is. Not that they can scare me...but that they can take me to that point and, if I've chosen badly, leave me there and laugh at my stupidity in trusting them. Laugh at me and reject me as being pathetic for having thought that they could ever be interested in someone like me.
I know that, somewhere, there's a way around this. But I'll be damned if I can find it. It's somewhat compounded by the fact that I generally don't play this way outside of a long term relationship because of the way I'm wired. To get that deep into my brain, you have to stick around a while after it.
It's interesting to see where are fears *really* are and how they get expressed.
Now I just have to figure out where to find the men that fit the bill.....I know you're out there somewhere.